What I've Been Living For
by PhoebeRivera
Summary: Story of Santana trying to find self acceptance and finally be with Brittany. Rated M for later content that may be distressing. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**This is the story of Santana's struggle with being gay. There will be some very distressing chapters later on just for warning. **

**Thanks again to my wonderful beta Abbie, ****InsertWankyNameHere, ****who has helped me so much with this Fic especially in further chapters where my sentence structure was catastrophic! You should go check out her profile, 'cause she's awesome!**

**Thanks for reading, enjoy **

'Santana? Santana!'

The Latina found herself being dragged from her thoughts by a puzzled looking Brittany.

'Sorry, I was just thinking about the new move coach Sylvester wants us to learn.' Santana found herself lying without giving it a second thought. If Brittany knew what she was really thinking about she wouldn't be stood next to her in the changing rooms. She had never told Britt how she felt; she wasn't even sure that she knew what she wanted in her own mind.

Yet again, Santana's thoughts were stopped in their tracks as Brittany linked the two girls' pinkies together. The moment they touched, the brunette felt that same shock of energy ripple through her, the same one that she got every time she came in contact with her best friend. As much as she loved being close to Britt, she still got that feeling in the pit of her stomach that she couldn't explain; that made the air choke in her throat.

Strolling out of the changing rooms, Santana felt her thoughts being drowned out as the chaotic hallway took over her senses. They quickly made their way to the choir room, pushing past careless sophomores and hockey players. Finally, Santana caught sight of the familiar door to the choir room and hurried inside. It was deserted inside; chairs stood stacked and unturned, the lid to the piano closed and stripped of sheet music. Glee practice didn't start for another half an hour, but the girls had booked the choir room to practice for a duet that Brittany had chosen to sing with Santana. Normally, Santana would've jumped at the chance to sing with her best friend, but when she heard the song that Britt had wanted to sing, she felt a lump rise in her throat. The very song that the slender blonde had chosen to sing was the very song that reminded Santana of Brittany. 'One and Only' by Adele, was the song that Santana listened to every night without fail. She tried not to think about Brittany when she listened to it. She tried to think of Puck, Sam, hell she even thought of Finn! But as she let the words flood through her, she felt her feelings do the same. Whirling up like a storm inside her, feelings rushed through her head: feelings that confused her, made her angry, and scared the hell out of her. She was Santana Lopez, she wasn't supposed to get scared - if the rumours were anything to go by, she wasn't supposed to have any feelings at all. But she did have feelings. Feelings for Brittany.

As Brittany pressed play on the backing track that they were practising with, Santana turned to face the blonde, feeling her heart beat like it was going to rip through her chest. Counting the last few bars of the intro in her head, she began to sing, choking the first note out due to how dry her mouth had become in Brittany's presence.

'_You been on my mind, i grow fonder every day,_

_Lose myself in time, just thinking of your face'_

All the time she sang, Santana gazed into Brittany's bright blue eyes. She sang everything to her, praying that Brittany would see the emotion she was pouring out to her. As they reached the last note, Brittany took Santana's pinky in her own and grinned.

'Perfect' Santana breathed. She wasn't sure she was meant to have said that aloud, but judging by the grin on Brittany's face, it had sounded like she had meant it about the song. Unable to avert her gaze, which was now firmly fixated on Brittany's beautiful smile, Santana found herself moving closer to her friend. Their faces were so close that Santana could feel the blonde's breath against her face (it wasn't unusual for them to be this close; Brittany was a very touchy-feely person and Santana had no objection to this). After letting her eyes flicker back up to Brittany's for a fleeting second, she tilted her head upwards and captured the girls lips in her own. Her stomach flipped and she heard fireworks going off somewhere in the background as she let her lips move against Brittany's, savouring the taste of her cherry lip balm. Just as she let her tongue slide across Brittany's bottom lip, the blonde pulled back. Santana inhaled sharply realising what she'd just done. Why the hell had she done that? Whatever the reason, she'd still done it, still given into what she'd felt so strongly for such a long time now. She couldn't deal with Brittany rejecting her, she just couldn't, and she was the only thing that made her day worthwhile. Without giving her friend time to say anything, Santana broke into a run out of the choir room. Letting the tears fall from her face, she apologised to no one in particular.

'I'm so sorry'.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I hoping that I can take this fic a really long way and explore deeper issues which circulate around Santana's self acceptance, so please keep reading! Thankyou! **

**Thanks again to my loyal beta InsertWankyNameHere who has once again excelled herself in making sure my work is up to scratch! **

She didn't know why she'd run to the choir room. Maybe it was because it made her feel safe? Like it was the only place she felt she could truly be herself. Whatever it was, it had drawn her to the empty room as a place of solitude. Running inside, Santana locked the door and collapsed in a heap against it. Placing her sodden face into her hands and drawing her knees up to her chest in a childlike position, she finally gave into the battle she had been fighting with the tears filling her eyes. She let the sobs wrack through her body as she shook and pulled at fistfuls of her raven hair. As the sobs subsided the occasional whimper or sniffle escaped her, unable to lift her head still buried in her hands.

Just as she was beginning to regain some composure, she noticed someone watching her. Mr. Schuester stood in the doorway to his office with a face full of compassion, yet confusion.

'Santana, are you OK?' His tone was soft, if a little hesitant.

'Does it look like I'm OK?'

She hadn't meant to be so harsh. She just wasn't used to someone caring about her feelings. Most people thought she was a bitch with no feelings and didn't really talk to her; they just moved out of her way in the hall. The truth was, Santana was lonely. Sure, she was one of the most popular girls in school, but that didn't mean that she had people who were there for her. Hell, most of the kids in school feared her – why would they even want to talk to her? Even Quinn had become disconnected from her in the past few years. The only person that was truly there for Santana, more so than her parents, was Brittany. Shy, innocent, caring Brittany. Brittany; the best thing that had ever happened to Santana – the best thing that she probably just lost.

Snapping back to the harsh reality of what she had done, Santana's eyes met Mr. Schue's. He could see, in that moment, the real Santana; the pain that was making her crumble inside. Her voice was hoarse when she finally spoke.

'Sorry, I didn't mean to...I just – tough cheerio's practice, that's all.' Santana sounded very resigned and she knew that she had been unconvincing, but she just wanted to leave; she needed to be alone.

'Santana, I'm no cheerio, but I know that sobs like that don't come from tough practice.' He raised an eyebrow as he spoke to her, and placed his arm around her shoulder.

The contact felt alien to her; her parents had rarely hugged her as a child: the only other compassionate contact she had experienced was when her and Britt linked pinkies, or cuddled together to watch a film.

The Latina looked at her teacher, a broken look in her eyes, and all composure she had managed to regain instantly crumbled at the sight of his caring eyes. Pressing her head into his warm chest, she let the words spill from her mouth, like water through rapids, stumbling on her sobs every few words. Even though she was telling him what had happened (in the detached sentences she was able to form), she still felt so alone. Even being in someone's arms, anyone's arms, she had never felt more alone in her life.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After just letting hold her for a while, Santana finally rose to her feet, composed herself, and wiped away the mascara that had cascaded down her cheeks. Looking at the clock, Santana realised that she was in here next for Glee Club rehearsal. The dawning realisation that she had to face Brittany knotted her stomach so much she felt like she was bent-double.

' I can't do this – I can't face her!' There is a pleading in Santana's voice, one that, for the first time in her life, she had intended to be there.

'It's OK Santana. You don't have to sit with her if you don't think you can. Besides, you have your solo today, you can't miss your performance!'

Crap. She had completely forgotten about her solo. And her song choice – oh god – how could she have been so stupid as to choose a love song; knowing that full well that, in her mind, she was singing every word to Brittany?


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again to my awesome beta ****InsertWankyNameHere****! She's been busy at work with her own fics and beta'ing the mass amount of updates i've been sending her, so please go check out her fics! She's writing some amazing stuff at the moment that I know you will love, so go on over to her page!**

**So, this chapter is Santana's performance in glee club. It's only a really short filler chapter due to the revision i'm trying to keep on top of! There will be another chapter up as soon as I get time to write (I've got rather a few updates coming along at the moment!)**

**Thanks for reading! I do not own glee or any of the characters!**

**Chapter 3**

Santana's nerves took over her whole body and as the last few notes of the introduction were played on the piano, it was all she could do to stop herself from physically shaking.

_'Turn down the lights, turn down the bed, turn down those voices inside my head.'  
><em>  
>The Latina felt her nerves begin to subside as she let the music fill her every fibre. She felt like, when she sang, everything else went away. It was just her; on her own. Her… and Brittany. She had tried not to look at the blonde whilst she was singing, but as the chorus rose, Santana's eyes met Brittany's. She felt like the blonde's piercing blue eyes were staring into her soul as she stumbled on the words to the chorus.<p>

_'I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something that it won't. Here in the dark, in these final hours, I can't make you love me if you don't.'_

Tears began to stream down the Latina's face as she made her way through the final verse and chorus. When the outro came to an end, Santana stood in the middle of the choir room, frozen solid. In her mind she was completely freaking out; but in reality she just stood and cried. It was only when Brittany stood up to comfort her friend, by wrapping the Latina up in her strong arms, that Santana finally moved, but it wasn't in the way Brittany had anticipated. Santana lashed out and caught the taller dancer's cheek with the back of her hand, causing it to bleed. Seeing the sheer terror in Santana's eyes before she sprinted out of the choir room, Brittany decided to follow her, clutching her now swelling cheek.

XxXxX

Brittany had caught sight of Santana rushing into a small janitor's closet. As she reached the door she saw it had been left ajar, so she slowly pushed it open. Inside she found Santana; knees drawn to her chest, weeping and rocking like a child.

"San, what's wrong? I'm scared."

Brittany was innocent when she spoke, as she hesitantly approached the raven-haired girl.

"I'm so sorry, Britt-Britt. I'm so sorry…I didn't mean to…I'm just…I'm sorry," Santana said through sobs. She kept her head buried in her knees as she spoke, muffling her raspy voice – unable to look Brittany in the eye.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi again! Finally got chance to update this story, so I hope you enjoy! If you have any suggestions, please let me know and I'll try my best to fit them in. Please review, I really do appreciate it!**

**A million and one thanks go to my beta, InsertWankyNameHere! She's given me suggestions, tips, sooo many fic ideas and most of all she corrects my heinous grammar mistakes! Thankyouuuu Abbie :P**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GLEE OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. ... But, does owning them in my mind count?**

**Chapter 4**

Brittany lowered herself to the floor to sit beside Santana, wrapping her arms around the Latina to keep her small frame from shaking. She put her hand under her best friend's chin so that weepy brown eyes met her own piercing blues. From just that look she could see into Santana's soul. She didn't know what exactly was troubling her, but Brittany could still see the pain and terror in her best friend's eyes.

Brittany and Santana had known each other since they were five years old. Since then, the girls had never spent more than a week apart and spent all their spare time together. They told each other things that they wouldn't dare to tell others, so Brittany had to admit that she was upset that Santana felt like she couldn't tell her what was troubling her so much. And the fact that she had hit the blonde just confused Britt even more. Of course Santana was known for being an utter bitch and she'd had her fair share of fist fights, but with Brittany she was a different Santana. She was gentle and funny and she loved nothing more than snuggling up to her best friend and watching romantic films (though Brittany was under pain of death to keep that last bit secret; Santana DID NOT snuggle).

Streams of questions going round the dancer's mind were cut short by Santana clearing her throat and getting slowly to her feet.

'Santana, where are you going? We need to talk.' Brittany's tone was soft as she rose to her feet.

'There's nothing to talk about Britt-Britt.'

'Well obviously there is - first you kiss me and then you go all Lima on my face? I don't understand S,' Brittany was subconsciously grabbing Santana's wrist to hold her back.

'Look Britt, I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry that I did that to your face, I really am. I just got angry ok, Berry was looking at me like my performance was the biggest load of crap she'd ever heard,' Santana lied. 'And as for me kissing you, I really don't know what I was thinking, so if you dare tell anybody.. '

'I won't tell anyone, San, I pinky swear! It's just, I kinda liked it. When you kissed me, not when you hit me; that really hurt!' Santana let her eyes wander over Brittany's swollen face as the blonde continued to talk, and cringed as she saw the damage she had done. 'San.. Does this make us gay?' Brittany hushed out tentatively.

'What the fuck Britt? Why the hell would you even say that?' Santana hissed, 'It was just a stupid fucking kiss; it meant nothing!'

'It meant something to me! Santana Maria Lopez! Look at me when I'm talking to you! I know this isn't nothing, Santana. Who else do you know that is as close with their best friend as we are? I won't lose you over this San, I can't!' There were tears streaming down the blonde's face as she cupped Santana's face in her hand and stared straight into her eyes. 'You can deny it all you want, but I know that there is something special here, I'm not stupid; people say I am and maybe that's true, but I'm not stupid enough to miss the fact that this is more than friends San.' She let her forehead come to rest on Santana's as she let salty tears fall over her cheeks.

'Brittany, you are not stupid, you hear me? I'm sorry I shouted at you, you didn't deserve that, but I'm just so terrified Britt-Britt. I feel it too, I feel so right when I'm with you... But you know how Kurt got treated at this school. I don't want any labels Bee; hell I don't even know what it is that I actually want! But I won't lose you Britt, you're too special to me.'

Santana stared into Brittany's eyes before tilting her chin up and brushing her lips against her best friend's. Brittany saw the panic in the Latina's eyes at what she was about to do so she wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer.

'It's okay, San, it's okay.'

Santana shut her eyes and let her lips connect with Brittany's. It felt like a magnet pulling her closer and closer and her breath hitched as the blonde ran her tongue across her plump bottom lip. It felt like she was home; like she'd always been looking for something, and now she'd finally found it. She felt her heart thud in her chest and their lips moved in perfect harmony, their bodies intertwined, fitting effortlessly together. Santana let a single tear run down her cheek and felt Brittany's thumb brush it away, like she was brushing away all the hurt. Santana knew what she wanted. She wanted Brittany and only Brittany. She wanted to be held by her forever, have her brush her fingers through her hair, kiss her neck softly and whisper sweet nothings, to keep her safe.

'I love you, Brittany,' Santana whispered.

Brittany pulled back and gazed into Santana's eyes, completely captivated, before pulling her friend into her chest.

'I love you too Santana.'


End file.
